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Nicole Tholmer, LPC 

Where Hope and Healthy meet

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Finding Happily Ever After 

Road markers on the journey of life transformations 

finding friends

Finding Friends at Forty 

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

There has been several times in my life where I found that I was running with a skeleton crew of friends. Some of those times were very painful. Out of those periods of darkness, I was able to grow by self reflecting and making adjustments as needed.

During my 20s I shedded a group of friends where we bonded over our "men problems ." They went on to marry their mates whereas I broke up with mine.

Out of that pain, I learned to become comfortable being alone and started doing the things I wanted to do solo. I found it freeing to not have to compromise with someone about restaurants or movies. I gain a better sense of my personal interests.

By the time I turned 30, I had a new group of friends that I gained from work, church, and school. But by my mid thirties I changed jobs and and moved and shed friends again. This time, I looked to volunteer and church activities to build up my crew. Here's a great site to match your interest to volunteer needs.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

Approaching my 40s, my life, priorities and interests changed and there again was another shift in my BFF pool. I became a mother. After I had my daughter, friends that I've had for decades were gone and in their place were new budding relationships with other single moms or mom's from my daughters play dates. This change did not occur over night and for a short time, I felt lonely and did not know what to do with my free time since I was out of sync with my old friends. During this time I looked into meetup.com and monitored groups based on common interest. However, soon my social calendar was full again. What did this transformation look like for me? My daughter asking for play dates with her friends from school and ballet, starting up conversations with other moms at the playground and indoor play areas.

What I think has my greatest strength in helping me handling the dark times was taking the time early on to get to know my self,define my personal interests while learning to enjoy my own company. That took me being courageous enough to step out of my comfort Zone and try new things, go to movie and dinner by myself.

finding friends

The ebbs and flow of life enjoy the journey by enjoying the pit stops.

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

Sometimes trying to get ahead in life resembles the rhythm of traffic. The rhythm ebbs and flows, I like to think of theses times when life seems to stop and start as being necessary because often we are not ready for what we want and we need to prepare or make room for our desired change. Just like during your morning commute you maybe not be in the right mental or emotional space to deal with work issues as you find your mind rehashing an argument you had with your partner or child. Being stuck in traffic can feel inconvenient however you could make good use of the time to clear your head by listening to something inspirational or asking your self why you got so upset during the argument and what is needed to resolve it. Spending times during the pause working on your self is making good use of that time and you change your focus from what you can't change to what you can change resulting feeling better. If you make good use of the pit stops then you will be developmentally and emotionally ready for what is ahead. The process of taking the necessary steps that you have identified as helpful creating the life you dream of living has a natural ebb and flow, albeit it stops and starts eventually you will get to your destination as long as you keep moving but there will be times where you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

finding friends

Self Care , What is it?

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

What is self-care?

I was talking with a friend at lunch who made the comment that recently she was sick and felt sense of obligation to work when her body indicated she needed to rest. I remarked that she was neglecting self care. She turned defensive and listed the various ways she puts her self first . What she listed could be better categorized as self indulgence- treating her self to nice meals, traveling, etc.

Afterwards , it came to me as I reflected on our conversation that she isn’t the only one that uses self indulgence and self care interchangeable. When we think about self care what comes to mind is indulgence, treating ourselves, pampering.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.” Oscar Wilde

Life is hectic and with everything we have completing for our time on our never ending to do list. Usually self care falls at the bottom of the list as we try to accommodate as much as we can into our busy schedule. We try to be everything to everybody and in multiple places at once. Resulting in us burned out, with nothing to give, running on fumes.

Our being (mind and body) are our greatest asset, without it we powerless to do anything. And when one is out of wack, it negatively impacts the other.

For example, unmanaged anxiety can contribute to stomach problems. It’s has been documented that people with seriously health problems also suffer with depression.

So what is self care ? According to Wikipedia self care is all Health care decision people make for themselves and their families to ensure they are physically and mentally fit.

People who practice self care demonstrated self care maintenance behaviors such as illness prevention, illness behaviors and proper hygiene.

Just as a car can’t go without fuel, we can’t go without self care. I hope this post has inspired you to put yourself at the top of your to do list. What are 2 small changes you can make to make your mental and physical health a priority? If you are having trouble figuring that out , contact me. It would be a pleasure to help you sort it all out.

finding friends

Adulting is Hard

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

Adulting is hard

I came across this sticker that read, “Adulting is Hard”. And I thought what does that mean?

What’s hard about being an adult?

Is it having competing priorities clamoring away for you very limited time?

Is it despite your best efforts feeling trapped in a life you don’t like?

Is it feeling like the world is a scary place and there isn’t enough resources, space, etc for you? Ending up with the wicked witch or warlock instead of Prince Charming or Cinderella?

Being an adult can be a very lonely place especially if you have limited support.

Are you living your life based on what someone else wants? Do you have people in your life that allow you to be your unique self? Are you accepted for you?

Life is meant to be enjoyed despite the cards …

we have been dealt but how do you go about making that happen? How do you get from this hell you are in to paradise?

First check your thinking..d24731ebcd569d75992ed3078b98019c

Are you caged in by your own belief system? Check your belief system, does it still ring true, have you developed limited beliefs that hold you back?

You are suppose to enjoy life and have a life filled with that which you think will bring you well being.

There is enough resources you and everyone on this planet to experience well being.

Ask yourself what is this feeling of discontentment, sadness, anger , fear here to teach me or tell me ?

Emotions are signals they are there to give us information about our selves and the world .

Listening /processing your emotions allows you to create the road map to your paradise.

The difference between a wish and a goal are deadlines…

Dr. Phil has been credited for saying “someday is not a day on the calendar.” People have the tendency to push things off for another time, and that time never comes. Before you know it you are caught up in the business of life and not having any fun or feeling fulfilled. Goals are time sensitive. For example, I will save $100 a month by taking my lunch to work 3 out of 5 days and placing the savings in a savings account. I will create a fun savings account and save $5000 dollars in 2 years.

Look for road signs along the way.. 5TRXq4nyc

So you have charted your route, packed up and are ready to go. Once you set and commit to your journey then create short term measurable goals or road signs that help you recognize you are on the right path.

When you stop to fuel up check your road map, check in with your self with prayer or meditation or journalling to see if you are going the right way or need to go in another direction. Ask your self how does this feel to me? Does it feel right?

Once your reach your mile markers, reward your self. Celebrate each accomplishment along the way!!! Don’t wait until the end, enjoy your success as you go , emerge fully in your life.

Before you know it you will arrive at your destination.

finding friends

Change is coming, albeit , it sometimes moves at  the pace of a snail

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

 Change is unavoidable.  Things happen in our lives that are outside of our control. Nothing stays the same.  Change can also feel very uncomfortable and threatening however, if we allow it, change can help us grow. When we confront life challenges we can tap into strengths and resources we weren't aware of therefore we become stronger than before the challenge. 

Sometimes our life sucks and we want change and we wished it show up like yesterday! I'm sorry to say, it doesn't work that way.  Change is a process. The one constant in life is change. Life and us are away evolving. We are not the same person we were a day, week, month or even a year ago. We are changed by new information and experiences however, those changes can be subtle.

We are  constantly evolving and that can make it difficulty for us to see the change is actually happening. During a time where I was committed to working out and living a healthier live style, I worked out 4-5 days weekly and changed my eating habits. I created a plan and focused on it. Before I realized, I had lost 50 Ibs and my pants for falling off. Although  I was clueless, my co-workers were not and chastised for wearing pants that no longer fit.  

When I looked in the mirror, I didn't notice those subtle changes however, my body was being changed by my experiences in the gym and the new information I applied about eating healthier. This was not an overnight progress, this transformation took place over a course of 6 months. 

"A watch pot never Boils."

There is a process to change. First I had to get my head right, commit to the new change and work my plan.  Once you commit to a new goal or habit, create a plan and let that plan be your FOCUS not the transformation or the end result.  You will feel better that way. When you focus on the transformation or the end result it will feel as if change is moving at the pace of a snail. 

finding friends

Time is your greatest asset when looking for a quality relationship

1/15/17you come to a complete stop and others we're you are speeding right along. Although it can be frustrating, keep in mind those times of pause are apart of the journey and needed to equip us to handle that life you often dream of living. So enjoy the journey it is a package deal with the destination.

I knew a woman who after a few failed relationships and some self-reflection on the men she dated in the past, decided to reach back to a man who she previously dated. She thought about their initial relationship and saw her short comings as the reason the relationship did not work out and thought if she gave it another shot, maybe they could have a good relationship the second time around. She looked the guy up on Facebook and they reconnected. Things moved quickly and before she knew it a few months past and she started realizing that he was not serious, and he wasn’t the person he portrayed himself as nor was he in a position to engage in a committed relationship. However, it was too late, she was in love. He was not the person she once knew, he had relationship trauma and was afraid to commitment. She tried to sick it out, thinking that her love would help him feel safe and he’d trust her enough to invest his heart in the relationship. Years went by and the relationship only gave the illusion that it was moving forward. After 4 years, she gave up and decided to move on. Although it was not that easy, she loved him, and they had a strong bond and strong sexually chemistry. And for another 2 years they were on again and off again. After 6 years she finally, broke free from that dysfunctional relationship, however, she walked away with a deeply broken heart and shattered self-esteem.

During a girl’s night out, she shared her story with me and what she learned from that devastating experience. She said if she had to do it all again, she would have walked away after the first weekend together. She said she knew when she asked what they were doing from his response that he was not serious, but she choose to ignore her instinct. Or at the very least given herself, time before having sex with him so that she could really get to know him. She said she only needed about 2 months, it was about that time that she started noticing the discrepancy in his actions and thoughts. She started to see that he had some emotional problems that he hadn’t dealt with like he said he had. She noticed that he was dissatisfied with his position in life, lack maturity and was not finally stable.

It is extremely difficult, after connecting sexually with someone to pull away so take your time. According to the book Love is not a game (But you should know the odds), infatuation can last up to 90 days. There is something to that Steve Harvey 90-day rule. Give yourself time to see if the person is genuinely interested in you. Give your self-time to see if they are emotionally mature enough to handle your heart and be a part of your life. Give your self-time so that they can demonstrate their character. Do they keep their agreements? Give your self-time to shake their family tree to see what sort of nuts fall out. (ok I know that is bad me, a therapist using the words nuts when describing people but that was funny I couldn’t resist). Every family has drama. No one transitions from childhood unscathed. What I mean is before your join with this person and their family see if you can deal with their level of drama. See what illness are in their family. You might have children by this person. If they have children, get to know the mother so you can be aware of what drama if any they will bring to your relationship.

Finally, give yourself time to make sure you both on are the same page when it comes to expectations. All couples start out believing they will have a good relationship. Be clear going in of your expectations for love and marriage so that you can clearly communicate them and quickly recognize when they aren’t lining up. Your relationship satisfaction will largely depend on how well what is happening matches up with what you think should be happening. Every disappointment in a relationship result from an unmet expectation. My friend was looking for a life partner with whom she could build a life with, but her boyfriend was looking for someone to have fun with while he worked on his cleaning up his life. So, he disappointed her at every turn resulting in her broken heart.

My friends, while there are no guarantees in life, giving your self-time to get to know someone before joining with them will at the very least save you some heartbreak and turmoil.